Sometimes I feel like Alzheimer’s is going to do me in. I realized yesterday that I am probably depressed and have been for awhile. I feel like I am knocking my head against a wall every day and I can’t seem to stop.
My son came over last evening to help me put dad’s computer in the back of my car. Tomorrow he will help me bring it in to dad’s apartment. I am doing this, feeling that it is burden and that it isn’t going to work, and yet I can’t not do it! I decided I have to give in to dad’s request simply to stop him from asking me about his computer every time I see him.
I don’t even know if I can get it working once we set it up in his room. I will do what I can with the pieces I have and hope I haven’t lost any wires or parts. He will ask for a printer and paper later too and I don’t have an extra printer any more. I want to focus first on getting the computer to boot up and see if he can at least play a card game on it.
I expect as soon as anything is there, he will want everything including the printer. He will want it set up so he can dial-up to his free service that he hasn’t used a 2 or 3 years now. That is what he asked for just over a year ago and I did get help and set up a network and a way to get to his email. And, of course, as I wrote before, he never used it. Still, he asked first for the computer, then for the printer and finally for the paper. And then it all sat there. “See Dad and His Computer – Part 2”.
So I haven’t even begun to set it up yet and already I am discouraged about the efforts I will make to try to get it up and running. This time I am not paying for the internet connection hookup and monthly fees. I will run a wire to his new telephone jacks and see if we can find a phone number to use for dial-up service.
And already I feel defeated. I just can’t get enthused about this as it has all been done before.
Why am I doing it? I argue with myself but the fact is that if it were a child of mine who wanted something he couldn’t quite do, I would say “Wait until next year when you are older and more able to handle the tasks.” But with dad and his Alzheimer’s, he won’t be doing better next year. This is as good as he will be. And it is something he wants enough to ask for it several times a week. How can I say no?
So here we go, one more round. Let’s hope we can make it work!