Dad Gets in Trouble for Making Out on the Sofa!


I have been at home about a week now and have visited dad several times.  I noticed that dad’s lady friend, Mary, was with him every time I came.

Sunday dad was sitting by Mary when I came in.  I told him I needed to bring some items to his room and then I would visit with him.  As I came back from putting snacks in his room, my son and grandson were entering the building.

My grandson was having a bad day and was very fussy.  He insisted he would stay with great grandpa only if we went to great grandpa’s room.  Dad joined my son and grandson and myself as we all went down to dad’s room.  That left Mary in the lounge by herself.

We talked in dad’s room and my grandson began to play games on his father’s telephone.  Soon he was in a happy mood.  Dad stated that he was getting hungry and it was almost time for lunch.  My son and grandson were the first to leave the room and dad and I followed right behind him.

Mary was standing right outside dad’s door when my son opened it to leave.  She walked in as soon as my son and grandson left.  I said it was time for lunch and we were going to the dining room.  Mary walked along with us and went to lunch along with dad.  (They have assigned seats in the dining room so Mary doesn’t sit by dad.)

As I was signing out to leave, I was approached by one of the medical aides.  She asked me to come and talk to her for awhile.

It turns out that there had been another “Incident” involving dad that occurred earlier that day or the day before, I am not sure which.  In either case, it was not good.

Dad and Mary had been sitting on the sofa in the lounge, and the aide was at her movable cart giving out medications.  Dad and Mary were snuggling and then carried things further to the point where it was unacceptable public behavior.  As teens we might have called it “making out”.

The aide told dad they had to stop that, and he had to get his hands off Mary.  Dad got very irate and quite vocal.  He started swearing and yelling that the aide had no right to tell him what he could and couldn’t do.  I guess it was quite bad.

But, the aide said, Mary wasn’t innocent either.  She sits by dad and holds hands, etc.  And then she will move over and sit by another man.  She will then tell the other man: “That man (pointing to dad) touches me and makes me uncomfortable.”

Mary had memory problems and may have Alzheimer’s disease, as dad does.  She makes her family uncomfortable with her behavior in the lounge so apparently they only visit her in the evening when she is in her room.

The aide told me I would probably receive a phone call from the nurse who is also the social worker at this small ALF.  The incident occurred over the weekend, so no one was on hand to report it to.

The aide said when dad is alone he is very friendly and even plays with the aide’s daughter when she comes, and he colors with the daughter.  She said dad likes to watch a funny television program in the afternoons that she often watches with him.

Dad is such a quiet person.  People have a hard time believing his behavior becomes so loud and abusive when he is having these “spells”.  I blame it on the dementia.  However, I don’t know what to do to make him stop.

Now I am waiting to hear from the nurse.  I called her earlier but she was out of the office.  I will try again soon.  (Somehow I end up felling like I am the one in trouble!)  And I worry that dad will have to leave his ALF if we can’t get him to behave appropriately!

I tried several times yesterday and never reached the nurse or the director as they were out together.  I expect I will see them today when I visit dad again.  Wish me luck!

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About letstalkaboutfamily

I am a retired and was the primary caregiver for both my parents before they passed. I have children and grandchildren. This blog is an attempt to connect with other caregivers and share ideas and experiences. I hope you will let me know what worked for you if you had an experience similar to mine. The main issues I am going to talk about are elder care, death and dying, assisted living, family relationships and hoarders and hoarding. Other topics will come up as I address the issues and my relationship with other family members.
This entry was posted in Alzheimer's Disease, Dementia, Eldercare, Incident, Lady Friend and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Dad Gets in Trouble for Making Out on the Sofa!

  1. jmgoyder says:

    Very tricky situation for you – good luck.

  2. terry1954 says:

    I find it so sad that this is happening. The disease of forgetting comes and goes so quickly. Reminders of things and feelings we once desired are brought back to life by one who is holding our hand or doing something that stirs our inner feelings. i think Mary needs to find another way to handle her inner feelings. I have to wonder what kind of life Mary had before she entered the facility………………..I hope she and your Dad can be disconnected and become interested in other forms of activities

  3. boomer98053 says:

    This situation can be a difficult one to monitor. As you said, both your dad and Mary have dementia so it’s not always easy to determine if any type of “consent” is going on – even with just making out. This can be a common occurrence, however, in memory care units and the staff are strapped with the difficult task of trying to sort these things out because neither the women, or the men, should be in a situation of being on the receiving end of “attention” that they don’t want from another resident.
    In a different light – it’s interesting to note that although the mind is compromised, the human need for touch and belonging continues for quite some time. I wish you the best in sorting this all out.

    • Thanks, Irene. It has been an eye opener for me. We don’t tend to think of our parents as sexual beings. 🙂

      • boomer98053 says:

        Both my parents are long gone now, but I wonder how my kids think of me and their dad – and we’re not yet 60 (but close to it.) On second thought, aren’t we all better off hoping that NO one thinks of us in that realm…that could be freaky.

      • I know I thought my parents were old when they hit 50. And I sure didn’t think they still had active sex lives even at the time I got married. We believed sex was only for the young. Even my ex-husbands brother who was only a few years older than us was considered too old to be very active in that department. Oh, to be young and smug again!

  4. tersiaburger says:

    Alzheimers is a dreadful disease. My Dad too displayed “inappropriate” behaviour. He became abusive and proposed to his caregiver every day. There were some unmentionable incidents. My father was a wonderful, distinguished gentleman. The man that forgot how to breathe was a “different” person. Good luck. It is a terrible journey. http//www.caring.com is an amazing site for caregivers of Alzheimers patients. I would never have coped or truly understood the disease if it had not been for the support and advice I found there. Good luck!!

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