After Dad’s Passing: Part 2

I did not mention a funeral service in my last post about the things I had to do after dad passed. In fact, I had dad cremated and picked up the “cremains” the same day I picked up the death certificates. Again this was much faster and easier than with mom’s passing. Within 3 days I had his death certificates and cremains at my home.

Because most of dad’s friends and all his contemporary cousins, siblings, etc. had pre-deceased him, I wasn’t sure if or where to have a service. I had asked a priest to come to the hospital to see dad within days after his heart attack. The priest gave dad the “last rites” which is now just called the anointing I guess. I am not a Catholic but knew this was important to dad.

I didn’t see any point in having a funeral service locally as dad had spent most of his life in other communities. He only knew our family and the people at his assisted living facility in our town. Everyone else was hundreds or thousands of miles away.

Dad will be interred in the national cemetery with mom. Since this is hundreds of miles from my home I planned to have a memorial service instead of a funeral service. I haven’t yet determined if the memorial service will be in my community so my children can all attend or whether to try to have something near dad’s house hundreds of miles away. We still have many relatives in that area and some of dad’s younger work friends have asked to be notified if there is a service. But travel and arrangements would be much more difficult for me there. Therefore, dad’s memorial service is one more thing I have deferred until later in the spring when I have more energy to deal with it.

You may also notice that I haven’t mentioned my siblings. Neither my sister nor my brother came to see dad before he passed. I am doing all of the paperwork, etc. as well. I get frustrated with the lack of support from them, but this is not new so I am not surprised.

While dad was in the hospital and then hospice, my son’s wife’s grandfather was also very ill. He was expected to live at least 3 more months but instead he passed away just 2 days before dad. So while my son was sitting vigil with me at the hospice, his wife was dealing with her own grief and loss of her grandfather.

Her grandfather’s wake was the day after dad died and his interment was the next day. The only advantage of all this grief at once was that they were able to take 3 days bereavement for each death. My son was late for his wife’s grandfather’s wake because he had been with me at the lawyer’s office. He went with his wife and her family to the funeral service later that evening and the interment the next morning.

As I mentioned last time, I was able to leave my northern home less than a week after dad passed.  I was anxious to flee the cold and snowy weather.  However there were tasks I had to complete before I left.

One of the things I wanted to complete before I left home was dad’s obituary.  I emailed my children for digital pictures as I was too unfocused to find what I wanted. My daughters came through as usual and I had a nice one chosen to send to the newspaper. I decided not to place an obituary locally since dad knew so few people in our community. Instead I had it placed in the newspaper in the community where he lived most of his life. I sent a copy of it also to his assisted living facility and to the mobile home community where he and mom used to spend their winters.

Many relatives and some of dad’s friends saw the obituary in the newspaper and contacted us to ask to be notified if there is a service.

I also still have not finished with dad’s belongings from his apartment at his assisted living facility. When we cleaned out his apartment, I sent all of his furniture to my sister on a moving van. My son and daughter helped me bring home everything else – mostly clothing and personal items. I have them all sitting and waiting in my home. When I get home in the spring I will sort items for donation, etc. I hope to give some of the better items to the organizations that help the homeless and other such charities. Dad had so many warm shirts I am sure they will appreciate them.

Also now I have heard from the legal team that I am supposed to be making an “inventory” of all dad’s belongings at the time of his death. Thank goodness my daughter obtained receipts for the bags of clothing she dropped off at the charity store. I will record the rest of his things (or photograph them for later recording) when I get home.

Although I am physically many miles from my home, my mind still goes back there most days as I contemplate other unfinished business.  I would like to hit the ground running when I return from this respite from the winter weather.

About letstalkaboutfamily

I am a retired and was the primary caregiver for both my parents before they passed. I have children and grandchildren. This blog is an attempt to connect with other caregivers and share ideas and experiences. I hope you will let me know what worked for you if you had an experience similar to mine. The main issues I am going to talk about are elder care, death and dying, assisted living, family relationships and hoarders and hoarding. Other topics will come up as I address the issues and my relationship with other family members.
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6 Responses to After Dad’s Passing: Part 2

  1. boomer98053 says:

    It sounds as though all that needs to be in your control at this time, is. I am sorry that you can’t rely on your siblings for emotional support but it appears that you have a supportive community in your winter location which you greatly deserve.

  2. jmgoyder says:

    I admire the way you are handling everything.

  3. dementedgirl says:

    I am just catching up and was saddened to hear the news about your Dad. I hope he is at peace now…

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